Cáncer

My mum called me this morning because my brother's doctor phoned to tell her that my brother's cancer is most likely come back. It's like anything, you know it's going to be like that and you feel that you are strong, and then when you get to know it for sure, the real feelings start. This time feelings seem stronger and more real, more mature, more together. I now know what it is to have feelings. I know which ones are real and which ones are induced by ourselves: selfpity, inability to cope, etc. 

I remember when I was young, a child, and I imagined what it would be like to be dead and everybody missing me and coming to my funeral. We've all done that. Now I know more than ever before; it's a pity but I can see what we would have to do if Jacquy died. I've got it very fresh in my memory. 

But this morning I cried. 

It wasn't long, I had to phone my sister a second time and make sure she was ok. She is not ok. She wasn't ok yesterday after my nephew's' birthday when she brought me home. She was talking about how surreal Dad's death was and keeps on being. She's off on another trail, and I can't quite reach her. I know her husband is useless at this and she feels alone. And I also know what not to tell her, because I spoke to my brother's doctor and many things are very scary: marrow transplant being lethal for him because of his HIV status, painful and much more aggressive and longer quimio. Yes, it's the whole shebang. 

And he doesn't want to do it. And I have a feeling that it's true, that he won't have it, not quimio again, he says. And I also imagine being with him this time round by the drip, reading my book, being a parent again. 

I also know I won't call September at all throughout the whole ordeal. I know I will be strong and capable. I'll write, I'll still be me, even more so. I know what being me is like. That new me I discovered. 

So feelings, feeling them, being them. Being attuned to everybody else's feelings. This time is difficult. My sis, Mum, him, they are very nervous. They are hysterical. They jump at me if I say something they don't want to hear. 

I'll listen, keep quiet, be there.